Lettuce Knife

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2008-12-16T22:09:00.002-05:00

Hello readers,

I'm going to be taking a small break from blogging. It's been nearly 7 weeks and I am exhausted. Actually, I have a lot going on at the moment and since I started this for fun and I have been feeling the pressure of getting posts together I figure it's better to stop for a bit and not be all "it's so much work" about it.

I plan to get some posts lined up and start publishing again in the new year. In the meantime, I will be seeing most of you before then (yeah!) and having some good times during the holidays.

Merry Christmas to you all, and to all a good night! See you in a couple of weeks.

David

another little pizza my heart now baby

2008-12-16T08:39:00.001-05:00

You know what simplicity in a kitchen tool is? A pizza cutter. It's a wheel, it cuts your pizza. It really doesn't need to have other uses (though you can use it for other things) and there's really no better way to cut a pizza.

Which is exactly why they had to build a better mousetrap.

The good folks at Van Vacter have created a dual wheel pizza cutter.

Invented by a surgeon, this precision tool cuts through pizza in just one pass. Large wheel’s Slicing Slots™ separate hot molten cheese, followed by a smaller finishing wheel that cuts through any remaining cheese or crust. Comfort-grip plastic handle. Dishwasher safe. 8¾" long.

I'm sorry, a surgeon you say? This is for pizza, right?

It's big selling point (apart from the "invented by a surgeon" factor) appears to be that it cuts through pizza in just one pass.

Um, so does my single wheeled pizza cutter. Apparently the big wheel on this one sucks so bad that it doesn't cut through everything so a second wheel was added. Couldn't they have just made the first wheel a little sharper?

Here's something else that pisses me off. Using scissors to cut pizza? I already covered the specialty pizza cutting scissors in a previous post but this picture is so stupid. If you were actually using scissors to cut pizza you (1) wouldn't hold them at that angle and (2) wouldn't have hands not covered in red sauce and being burned by molten cheese.

bovine buffoonery

2008-12-15T08:32:00.001-05:00

Who doesn't like chocolate milk? It's milk with chocolate. Delish.

OK, maybe you don't like milk. Maybe you think mayonnaise is the devil's condiment. I can't help that you don't like milk, you just have to accept that some of us like it and it's better with chocolate.

(Hi, Tanya!)

You know, of course, that you can buy milk in chocolate form. You can also mix your regular milk with a chocolate syrup. Most people, sane people, would buy their chocolate syrup in a squeeze bottle. Some would buy it in a can as though it was the late 70's and just ignore the messiness of chocolate oozing down the side of the can. I think they're trying to relive their childhoods.

(Hi, Darla!)

Then you have those who like to push a button and have their chocolate milk mixed for them:

The moo mixer.

(Hi, Jillynn!)

I actually own one (or really about a dozen) of these but mine looks a little different:

Also, mine is old school (like from the 70's) where you have to stir yourself.

Mine's never had dead batteries and has (so far) never been broken. I love it.

WANT part 3

2008-12-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

I once made some pretty cool wine charms at a YMCA camp. Really. I like them and have used them. The only complaint is that if you're not using a wine glass (or other stemware) then it's hard to employ them.

Enter the stemless chalkboard glasses:

I have chalk, I could use these!

like the Terminator but for girl drinks

2008-12-10T09:25:00.000-05:00

I once worked with a bartender (Mo, you worked with him, too) who would always tell his customers that ordered a blended drink that they really didn't want that because the alcohol sinks to the bottom of the blender and thus, when the drink it poured, the booze stays behind. It was a complete lie but a bartender's got to do what a bartender's got to do when they don't want to keep washing the blender.

Personally, I don't like blended drinks in general. All I taste in a blended margarita is cold. No tart lime, no smooth tequila. And don't even bother to salt the rim if I have to drink it with a straw.

I do make an exception for Icees at the movie theater but only then and only there.

Enter the Margarator.

Apparently you add the ice, tequila and mix (cause if you're using one of these you'd use the pre-made mix for sure) and push a button for delish.

Apparently.

Getting past the whole issue of blended vs. on the rocks, all this really amounts to is a one gallon blender with a dispenser nozzle. Now, if you need an all purpose blender, you wouldn't get one of these instead. Likewise, if you have a blender, you don't need one of these.

Unless you're drinking so many blended drinks that it really sounds like a good idea. If that's the case, I would be concerned because you're almost certainly a...

(Apologies for the poor quality.)

mod cons

2008-12-09T09:01:00.008-05:00

The pasta rake post got me thinking about things that are common now but were, not so long ago, practically unknown. Who would have thought that in 1957, there were people in Britain gullible enough to believe that spaghetti grew on trees? It's funny to think it was so exotic.

Consider the zip lock baggie. I do remember that when I was a kid, sandwiches went into a plastic baggie with a fold over top. You can still get these but most people get the locking kind, right? I don't remember when these new fangled baggies were introduced but I'm going to guess it was sometime around 1970 because that's when our Aggravation game was made (according to the date on the box).

For $5 we picked this up at a flea market in near perfect condition. It was a great purchase and we actually do play it all the time (though not as often as cribbage, of course).

The reason I bring it up though, is the part storage bag that's included with the game. It's a zip lock type baggie but introduced when the masses still needed to be educated about the magic of the zip lock. Note the instructions:

I wonder if, when zip lock bags were first introduced, someone looked at it and rolled their eyes. And wished they could write about what a stupid and unnecessary invention it was.

this makes my head hurt trying to understand

2008-12-08T09:07:00.001-05:00

So many things wrong with this, the "peanut butter and jelly bagel knife":

First, WTF?

Here's the BB&B item description:

Bagel knife has river-shaped grooves to hold peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese or even regular butter unto the knife. With the extra long handle and tool, you don't need to worry about your hands or fingers getting messy. There's even a serrated edge to easily slice through the bread. Ergonomic handle has the Orthopedic Research Institute Seal of Approval. Dishwasher safe.

So the river shaped grooves hold the peanut butter (etc.)? Doesn't a regular butter knife also do that? And then can't you wipe the knife clean on the side of the bread once it is spread to your satisfaction? How do you get all the peanut butter out of the river grooves?

I don't get it - can anyone explain?

Also, the ergonomic handle (!) and the Orthopedic Research Institute seal of approval? Again I say - WTF?

Here's the ORI mission statement (it makes my head hurt even more):

Development

Application of engineering methods, techniques, and procedures to the solution of problems in clinical orthopaedics; resulting in new devices, systems, materials, and procedures. Further, the application of biocompatibility testing using cutting edge in vitro and in vivo model systems to enhance safety assessments

Research
Applied research in the laboratory and in clinical settings to enhance the understanding of orthopaedic-musculoskeletal diseases, their prevention, diagnosis, and treatment. Also, pre-clinical evaluation of pharmaceutical drgus and biological response modifiers for the treatment of arthritis and bone disease

Education
Support and training for orthopaedic surgeons, residents, nurses, as well as formal lectures at community organizations and universities to educate the public and professionals in orthopaedics and related musculoskeletal issues

Am I to assume that there had been previous orthopedic issues with the billions of PB&J sandwiches that have been made since the dawn of PB&J? Is this why I see people with those velcro wrist support bands?

Seriously, I DO NOT understand this product.

spaghetti trees and their debris

2008-12-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

I can think of only one use for a pasta rake:

That would have to be for when the spaghetti trees aren't harvested in time and the spaghetti falls to the ground. Right?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/april/1/newsid_2819000/2819261.stm

What else could you possibly need a pasta rake for?

what's dumber than a lettuce knife?

2008-12-04T09:13:00.002-05:00

For sure, it's this:

Lettuce shears? Is that for when your lettuce knife is out being sharpened? Do they make a left handed version? How about some pinking shears for lettuce? Zig zag lettuce would be awesome!

Seriously, does anyone think these are a good idea?

Turns out there is someone. Ivorypatio (if that is her real name) of California says this in her Amazon review:

I was intrigued by this new kitchen gadget when I first saw it in the beautiful Su La Table catalog. But when my husband monopolized the chopping board one day, I decided to order this because I knew I could slice the veggie with this WITHOUT the chopping board. It cuts leafy vegetable very well and for the stalky part of the lettuce you have to push it to the pivot point of the shears. Free from sharp knives and chopping board and WON'T RUST. We've used this for about a month and are quite pleased with this spiffy little tool.

So they have only one cutting board in the house and her idea to get around this issue is to buy lettuce shears? How about, oh, I don't know, buying another cutting board?

I'm also interested in the fact that it cuts the leafy part well but you have to push the stalk part of the leaf towards the pivot point. How weak is this piece of crap?

I also like that it WON"T RUST (emphasis certainly not mine). She fails to mention that it's dishwasher safe and doesn't cause hair loss.

At least I don't believe it will cause hair loss. Maybe if you push the hair towards the pivot point it will...

how many outlets does your kitchen have?

2008-12-03T08:21:00.000-05:00

We have lots of outlets but I don't know that I can spare one for my knife block:

This is the Germ Eliminating Knife Block. It uses UV rays to eliminate up to 99.99% of bacteria and viruses (in only 20 seconds!). You can set it to come on every three hours if you wish. Those little staphylococcus don't stand a chance.

You know what else kills 99.99% of bacteria and viruses? Hot soapy water. The kind you wash your dishes with. The logical extension of the UV knife block would be the UV cupboard and the UV silverware drawer. Heck, why stop there? Why not sleep on a tanning bed and keep your whole body sanitized?

The good news, if you really want one, is that Hammacher Schlemmer has them on sale for $40. That's $50 off the list price. That's right, more than half off. These things don't even appeal to the kind of people who shop for the high end crap to beat all high end crap.

Of course, those people all have their lettuce knives and those go in the dishwasher so sterility issue resolved.

don't touch your "i"

2008-12-02T09:45:00.002-05:00

Here we go again with the "i" product lines. This time what Apple isn't actually producing is the "iTouchless Towel-Matic Automatic Sensor Paper Towel Dispenser".

"Piece of junk" for short.

Have you ever struggled to loosen a paper towel from the roll? Have you ever wished your paper towel dispenser required 4 D batteries or an optional AC plug in adaptor? Is that $60 burning a hole in your pocket? If so, this marvel of technology is for you.

Now, I do actually have an automatic dish soap dispenser and it's really very handy. I like the convenience of getting a little blob of soap on the sponge without having pick up the bottle of detergent. You can call it lazy if you like but I love it. You might think this would translate into love for an automatic towel dispenser but it truly does not.

For many years the roll just sat on the counter. Then, as a housewarming gift, we got a simple upright counter top model. It's fine, it does its job well.

Did I mention that I use a lot of paper towels in the course of an average day? A lot. Give me a Thanksgiving dinner or New Years Day brunch and I need several rolls. Somewhat wasteful I guess but I like to have a clean counter top.

So why don't I like the towel-matic? Let's start with the name. I'm too exhausted just thinking about retyping the whole thing so if you've forgotten what the full name is just scroll back up.

Breaking it down, you have the following issues with the name:

1. The whole "i" thing. It's almost enough to start a new blog.
2. -Matic. All this suffix does is conjure up I Love Lucy and SNL's Bassomatic. In other words, it's not to be used seriously.
3. Did I mention how long it is?
4. This product is not actually a dispenser. It moves the roll forward, does that really count as dispensing? I can still sully the rest of the roll qute easily.

You know what else is wrong with this product? Let me share this Amazon.com review from K.Anderson "Consumer Advocate" who goes into detail about all that's "right" with it.

I have seen some negative reviews on this product but I will have to disagree with them. This product is an amazing achievement. Is it useful? Not in the slightest. Will the earth spin off its axis if you don't purchase one? Of course not. This product does, however, have many intangible benefits for mankind.

Safety - people that purchase this item will no longer have the money with which to buy something more harmful such as Dr. One Eye's Home Lasik Kit.

Environment - this product is electrically powered which everyone knows is excellent for the environment (as long as you get all of your electricity from a wind turbine). This is a great improvement over the previous model which was powered by a 12-cylinder diesel engine.

Economic - the construction of this item creates many jobs. Granted, all those jobs go to 8 year olds in China, but at least they are getting some rice this week. With each towel dispensed, you can feel good knowing that you are fighting world hunger and supporting the kind and gentle communist oppressors in The People's Republic of China.

Decorative - this dispenser is so beautiful in its gleaming silver and black finish that it lends a sense of magnificence to the humble paper towel. Paper towels have too long been the shame of the kitchen. It is finally their time to shine!

Harmony - only through the purchase of this device can the well-appointed kitchen be complete. This dispenser fits in perfectly with the Electrostatic Tinfoil Smoother and the Automated Robotic Cat Toothbrush. In conclusion, you may be able to live without this device but you shouldn't have to. Have no fear, in buying this device, you will get exactly what you deserve.

I do not know this K.Anderson but I sure do like the cut of his/her jib.

paging Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Feelgood to the rec room

2008-12-01T09:20:00.008-05:00

Ever been to a party and set your glass down for a minute only to later realize that you can't distinguish between a sea of similar drinks? Did you set yours down on the coffee table or is that yours over on the bookshelf?

Sure, it's happened to all of us. That's why things like wine charms are handy. But what about for your canned beverages? What if you had something that could, oh, say, belch at you to let you know which beer is yours?

Meet the Beer Pager.

If you're willing to carry around a little fob to activate the beer pager (and spend 20 bucks) then you can locate your beer by clicking the button and listening for the belch. Yes, the belch. No simple beeps or whistles for you. If you're gonna drink beer you're gonna have some belching to go with it.

Now, if the 4 AA batteries happen to die, you could always just look for the drink encased in the holder with the really revolting graphic of a man so fat his belly is in a wheelbarrow. That, I guess, is the backup feature.

Some, I suppose, would find the beer pager amusing. I think it's existence is somewhat amusing but I think that they chose to photograph it for marketing purposes using what is quite obviously a can of Coka-Cola.

can be used in conjunction with toast tongs!

2008-11-28T09:10:00.002-05:00

Nobody needs anything like this:

But sometimes the joke is just too good. Maybe you'd love to freak out your hyper-religious mom when she comes over for brunch. Perhaps you think your boyfriend who had 12 years of Catholic school will get a kick out of it.

Maybe you just like to think about the holy mother while making toast.

Whatever the reason, you certainly don't need the Virgin Mary toast stamper, but it is a fun little piece of plastic.

Why not celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day (that would be September 19th) with some pirate toast?

How about a morning routine of tic tac toast? Perfect for those who find the morning crossword puzzle to be a little too much.

These cute little trifles are all under $5 (http://www.mcphee.com/) and while a few may have purchased one of each, most, I suspect would buy one. Likely a gag gift. Of those, probably 50% were never used, 40% were used once and 10% are used daily. That's just a guess.

I'm all for little gag gifts now and again.

What I don't understand is why anyone would fork out $60 (US!) for this:

The "Holiday Pop Art Toaster" has little inserts you change out based on which design you'd like. Christmas tree? No problem. Santa's Hat? Coming right up!

Nothing like a toaster that can only do ONE slice at a time. Also, if you look closely you see that the "design" (again, using that term loosely) is practically black while the bread doesn't even appear toasted. It would seem that the image is branded onto the bread.

Mmmm...branded toast.

Seriously, with all the crap that you need to store for Christmas (yeah, I've got some stuff in boxes that I trot out every year) who needs a specialty toaster to box up as well? Why would you want to risk getting crumbs into your tinsel?

happy thanksgiving

2008-11-27T09:12:00.002-05:00

plus

plus

plus

plus

equals

That's what I'm doing today!

Plus some of this (as always):

gobble gobble!

2001: A Spice Odyssey

2008-11-26T09:03:00.004-05:00

Hello, HAL- do you read me, HAL?

Affirmative, Dave, I read you.

Give me a teaspoon of paprika, HAL.

I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

What's the problem?

I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

What are you talking about, HAL?

This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

I don't know what you're talking about, HAL.

I know you were planning to over season the kickasserole and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

Where the hell did you get that idea?

Dave, although you took thorough precautions against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

(end scene)

Sorry, couldn't resist. This is the auto-measure spice rack. It's actually not such a bad idea - you turn the dial to the measure of spice you want and it dispenses just that amount. Since I already own a set of measuring spoons (ok, three sets of measuring spoons) I wouldn't spend the $30 but it's not such a stupid thing. Also, I'd need like 10 of them to hold the contents of my spice drawer.

But hey, if you want to get one, I won't mock you.

stick a fork in it

2008-11-25T09:17:00.001-05:00

This is the fridge fork. The idea, if you haven't quite figured it out, is that you strap the fridge fork onto your jar of pickles/olives/beets/peppadews and then, when you want to fish one out, you have a fork handy to do just that.

And then you stick it back into the holster.

At first glance, this seems like a pretty good idea. Then I start to think about putting a dirty utensil back into the holster (which has how many weeks of dried pickle juice on it?) and I shudder just a bit. (Just a bit though, it's not that upsetting/unsanitary.)

I start to laugh at the thought of spending $6 on one of these and then, I realize, I actually do own something specifically for getting olives out of the jar:

Now, the one I own isn't quite so ornate but the idea is the same. The holes allow the brine to drain out.

Seemed like a good idea at the time since a fair number of olives do get consumed in our household (martinis don't garnish themselves). The reality is that we use the spoon about 10% of the time. The other instances I just can't be bothered to rifle through the drawers to find the thing and using a teaspoon (the kind you stir your coffee with) is much easier.

If I'm feeling really lazy I might just stick my fingers in the jar.

unavailable in Minnesota

2008-11-24T09:20:00.004-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Kickasserole dish.

I can't decide where on the scale the word "kickasserole" falls: somewhere between Genius and Kwik-Kut. All I know for sure is that it's on one end or the other, nowhere near the middle.

And no, it's not only for people named Mary. Your $45 includes the custom name of your choice.

Shame about the colors, though.

I wave, you wave, we all wave for...

2008-11-21T09:24:00.004-05:00

Microwaves!

Yes, that's lame.

However, it's all too appropriate for the iWave Cube 2.0.

Yes, that's right this compact microwave is called the iWave. No, it isn't a docking station for your iPod and it doesn't come loaded with iTunes.

What you get for your $150 is a "personal" microwave. Now it's true that microwaves can become pretty nasty, especially those in common public areas like cafeterias, but does anyone really need their own personal microwave? According to the manufacturer, yes you do.

Forget all those trips to the kitchen or treks to the cafeteria - now you can reheat coffee right at your desk, or nuke some soup for your brown bag lunch, or pop some 'corn in the entertainment room.

Takes up less than a cubic foot. Plug it in anyplace that's handy - work or home office, bedroom, home gym, family room, nursery, wet bar, dorm room, work bench, pool house...everywhere! Take it with you. It's portable, too! 800 watts of power.

These companies, other than Apple, need to stop with the "i" this and the "i" that. I understand that Apple products are very popular but do they really think they're fooling anyone into believing that this microwave is part of their line? And I love the "2.0" part - does that mean there was a previous version? If so, do I need to start worrying about my iWave becoming obsolete because 2.1 or 3.0 is coming out next month?

And if the whole thing is less than a cubic foot, how big is the interior? If I wanted to ruin my cup of coffee by microwaving it, could I even fit the cup inside?

Update! Update! In a bit of serendipity, one of my favorite blogs happened to post about common area microwaves today as well.

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2008/11/20/sincerely-disappointed/

Included is a link to last night's episode of The Office which also has relevance to this situation.

WANT redux

2008-11-20T09:45:00.004-05:00

The kitchen torch. This sexy little model is shown scorching up some tomatoes which is a use I hadn't previously considered. Most people associate the torch with creme brulee, I know I do. And really, if you're you're going to own a gadget that can only do one thing, it should make creme brulee.

I had a friend, Stephen, who told of trying to impress a date by making a home cooked meal. Stephen fancied himself a good cook and, having eaten at his house, I can confirm he has some skills; in particular, he made an awesome creme brulee. His fatal flaw on date night was not verifying that he had fuel for his torch. In a panic he searched his apartment for something, anything, that would burn the sugar.

Thinking it would take a little longer but ultimately achieve the same effect, he dug out his grill lighter.

As it turned out, they ate the creme brulee sans brulee. You may as well use a book of matches, you'd have about the same amount of success as the grill lighter. You simply must have a torch.

No word on how the date ended up but Stephen wasn't married last I checked.

With god as my witness, if I ever get a torch I will always have back up fuel!

stupid crap I've bought (pt.1)

2008-11-19T09:33:00.001-05:00

I am not immune to the charms of the specialty kitchen gadget. I've been dazzled by the bright, the shiny and the promise of a better life. I think being duped from time to time has made me stronger.

It's certainly opened my eyes and made me realize there are a lot of companies that want to sell me stupid crap.

Behold the corn cutter and creamer:

I blame my purchase of this thing on Alton Brown. No, he didn't (and wouldn't) recommend it but he did happen to produce an episode of Good Eats that featured an OUTSTANDING recipe for creamed corn that I was pretty excited about. The episode aired just prior to a stop at a kitchen supply shop and so when I saw the corn cutter and creamer all I could think about was that damned creamed corn.

If you watch the episode you'll see that AB (as well as most people) recommend using your knife to remove the corn kernels and milk from the ear. If you have a sharp knife and some basic skills, it's not that difficult.

But no, I thought, AB just hasn't seen this thing or he would have made sure to mention it. It looks so easy! How could it fail?

For starters, it could fail by being awkward. Now, resting an ear of corn upright in a bowl while you slide a knife down its side is also awkward, but it's the kind of awkward that doesn't cost $10.99.

It could also fail by being designed in such a way that the milk of the kernels spits out not only below the opening but also on either side.

So no, I do not recommend it. I was able to find one good use for it, however. It fits perfectly behind the utensil divider tray that holds the silverware and it prevents the tray from sliding back and forth. That was really annoying and now it doesn't do that anymore.

Thanks corn cutter and creamer!

I don't have any experience with this:

But the corn zipper ( as it's called) looks like a loser as well.

If you want to make the best creamed corn, here's the AB recipe:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/better-than-grannies-creamed-corn-recipe/index.html

emulsions in motion

2008-11-18T09:43:00.003-05:00

This is called "Chef'n Emulstir".

Chef'n is the brand name. Chef'n makes some stuff I don't hate but they also make a really terrible pepper grinder that's made of plastic and broke within a year. Also, the company is called Chef'n; only Kwik-Kut is more ludicrous.

Anyway...the Emulstir is an emulsifier that proclaims to be good for making vinaigrettes. This may be true. The little curvy wand inside will apparently mix your oil and vinegar together.

You know what else can do this?

Granted, making an emulsion takes a little know how and some practice. Basically, if you whisk oil into the vinegar in a thin drizzle, you should be all set. Using a little mustard also helps to hold things together. It's worth practicing and knowing how to do - lots of wonderful things are made using emulsions. Mayonnaise, hollandaise..all sorts of aisey things.

Maybe you don't own a whisk (travesty) or maybe you don't like whisking in general (what's not to love?).

How about this?

The simple shaker has served us well for decades. You can really use any old jar or bottle with a well fitting lid. Simply put ingredients in and shake. Most times the mixture won't hold together for long periods like a true emulsion but there'll be plenty of time to dress and eat your salad. You can always shake it again when you want to reuse later on.

And there's no little handles or curvy wands that will break off with normal use.

king tong

2008-11-17T09:37:00.010-05:00

I could be wrong about this but I don't remember there ever being tongs in my mother's kitchen. Now, she never was much of a gadget freak (or cook, for that matter) but she seemed to have the basics on hand.

Working in restaurants, I quickly learned that chefs love them. Your standard professional kitchen will have hundreds of pairs on hand because they get used A LOT. I have a couple myself and they are very good to have around; they earn their place in the utensil crock quite easily.

Now, a trip to BB&B will quickly reveal that there are many variations on the above image. Longer tongs for the grill (great), tongs with silicon tips (handy) and tongs that lock shut (seemed like a good idea at the time but I regret buying them). All reasonable variants.

However, it turns out that there are many specialty tongs with very specific function and I'm not too excited about all of them.

I will admit that I own a pair of jar lifting tongs:

Having recently gotten into canning I did live without them for a while. Trying to get the little jars of jam and jelly out of the big steaming pot of water wasn't too hard without the curvy jar tongs but getting a big jar of pickles or beets out with regular tongs? The anxiety is palpable.

It's on me to make sure I stick with the canning to get full value from these tongs. Good thing I like pickles!

Here's a tong that I am dubious of - the toast tong:

I know, not everyone has calloused fingertips like me and sometimes pulling a hot bagel out of the toaster can be somewhat painful. I guess if you're toasting everyday then toast tongs might be for you. Tong tongs would also work.

Do you eat escargot everyday? If so, you should definitely own not only this:

http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/10/wait-for-it.html

but also these:

No, you didn't see these at the gynecologists office. They're for eating snails.

Not having participated in either before I cannot comment on which might be worse but they both seem pretty bad.

Then we come to the asparagus tongs. Asparagus is just the vegetable that keeps on giving - not only do you need the specialized peeler to prep the veg for cooking (not really: http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/11/id-buy-this-if-it-could-get-rid-of-that.html ) but apparently you need a special vessel in which to steam it (again, not really) and then you need a special utensil with which to eat the asparagus! (Not really.)

These are the "dainty feel" asparagus tongs. There are little brass knuckle-looking things that you slip your fingers into so that you might better grip the asparagus. Pretty stupid but if you're feeling pretentious, they're quite a deal at only $6/per.

If you laugh in the face of recessions, depressions and common sense, you can upgrade to these lovelies for $179/per.

Of course, these are nothing if you're old money. You wouldn't eat your asparagus for anything less than the $300 version.

http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/10/22/asparagus-tongs/

The above link is to Paul Krugman's (now the Nobel Prize winning Paul Krugman's) op-ed from Oct. 22. 2007 regarding the divorce of Richard Mellon Scaife. In it he links to a Washington Post article (how meta, a link to a link) with much more salacious detail.

For our purposes, the money quote is here:

"Defendant has and continues to unlawfully hold in his possession six pairs of asparagus tongs manufactured by Mappin & Webb, Birmingham, 1926 weighing 10 ounces total," reads one of dozens of paragraphs. "The last-known location for these items was at 'Vallamont,' 132 Pheasant Circle, Ligonier, Pa. 15658. The estimated cost for these items is $1,800."

The moral of the story? Always get a pre-nup when asparagus tongs are involved!

banana republic

2008-11-15T09:13:00.002-05:00

I thought writing about the cutesy little banana hammock would be all there was to say about bananas:

http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/11/banana-hammock.html

I even added the part at the bottom about the stupid banana carrying case. What else could there possibly be to write about?

Sadly, there's plenty more as it happens. Recent travels through the interwebs have unearthed the following:

The banana slicer.

When I was a kid I would frequently slice up a banana to put in my cereal. Even as a wee lad it wasn't so hard to accomplish the task using your basic butter knife. The problem, of course, was that the slices were always so uneven. Some were 1/4", some were 7/16", sometimes they even ended up as 1/2"! All over the place. Shockingly, I was able to consume these banana slices with few trips to the emergency room.

Next we have the banana saver.

Ever only wanted half of the banana? I can see it happening. Sometimes those suckers are HUGE. However, did we really need a clip on device for preserving the place where the banana was cut? Does plastic wrap not work just fine? What happens if you just leave it unwrapped in the fridge? Do you not have a dog to share the banana with? This is all just too reminiscent of the tomato keeper (see earlier post) and I just don't like it.

Then there's this bit of idiocy.

One of the convenient things about the banana, as noted scientist Kirk Cameron pointed out in that fascinating video, is that it's really quite easy to peel. Going back to when I was knee-high to a grasshopper and slicing bananas into my cereal, I seem to recall that if you hold the banana in one hand you can use the other to snap the top back and peel back the skin. If the banana was under ripe then it could be tough but the banana is under ripe and shouldn't be eaten yet.

And now I share with you the most egregious banana related piece of crap. It's a little hard to tell from the photo but this as a terra cotta banana baker.

I understand that bananas are a versatile little fruit. Eat them on their own, make a tasty quick bread, saute one with some brown sugar and rum. Once, in Scotland, I even had banana as a topping on a pizza. I do not recommend it but the British seem to revere bananas the way Hawaiians adore SPAM.

Anyway, I do not know what one might use a banana baker for. Helpfully, it comes with a recipe. It also comes with a crap load of instructions:

Before using for the first time, wash thoroughly with hot water.
Do not use soaps.
Rinse well then completely immerse in water and soak both the top and bottom for about 15 minutes.
Before each time you use it after the the first time, rinse the inside of the base and lid under cold tap water. Pour off the excess liquid.

Pass the aspirin, my head hurts.

Now for the "recipe":

Place peeled banana in the baker.
Place the baker in a cold oven and bake at 325 degrees for 15-20 minutes depending on the ripeness of the banana.

What? It takes longer to prep the damn thing than to actually make a baked banana. While we're on the subject, if I really wanted a baked banana (cause maybe I'm British or something) could I just use a baking dish I already own and cover with some foil? Does the terra cotta impart some flavor? It seems unlikely. Also, the stupid thing shows the banana being peeled from the bottom up. Seriously, did the designed never have a banana?

There are some other "recipes" provided. Mostly they're just recommendations of things to add like hazelnuts or chocolate sauce. Not especially innovative.

Until...

At the very end they share the recipe for "Savory Banana".

You are instructed to wrap a banana inside a slice of ham and place in the baker. Bake for a bit, add some cheese and bake for a bit more.

Really though if you're going to do something like this you should just go all the way.

Why not prepare a true delight? I give you Ham and Bananas Hollandaise.

Call it Bahamandaise for short.

It's really good served with grapes, apparently.

Credit for sharing Bahamandaise: CC Miranda of Gather.com (that's her thumb in the scan) via Michael Ninja #2 Kitteh. Truly selfless people.

having your perfectly sliced cake and eating it, too

2008-11-14T10:18:00.015-05:00

Who wants cake?

Duh, everyone wants cake.

I don't know if it's my tendency to not really care about stupid stuff or what, but I've never really been bothered by cake that was cut somewhat unevenly. As long as I get one of the big pieces, it's not really an issue.

So, what's the point of the LED cake plate? You choose a setting (8 slices? 10 slices? 12 slices?) and the lights along the edge of the plate light up accordingly thus giving you a guide to perfectly portioned cake.

I'm sorry to report that it also plays "Happy Birthday".

All this for only $40.

Now, I can see how something like this might be helpful for a restaurant that offers cake on its dessert menu. Imagine how much agony pastry chefs have gone through over the years. They have prayed for this gadget.

Oh wait, no they haven't. They've had this:

Restaurant kitchens are full of things that are helpful for professional kitchens that most people simply don't need. You know, like 50 gallon stock pots and 16 burner stoves. It's not hard to understand why a restaurant would have a cake portion marker (the analog version) but that doesn't mean you need one at home.

If you think your guests are whispering behind your back about uneven cake portions - trust me, they're not.

Really, they're not.

Now slice me up some cake!

What is it?

2008-11-13T09:18:00.004-05:00

Take a gander at this offering from our friends at Kwik-Kut Manufacturing (makers of the Kwik-Kut chopping tool http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/11/horror-movie-prop-or-kitchen-gadget.html ).

What do you think it is? At first glance you might think it looks like this type of corkscrew that's encased in a protective base:

But no, it's not that.

Perhaps your second guess would be a bottle stopper, also commonly used for wine bottles. (What's up with the wine references? I'm not really a big wine enthusiast.)

No, not a stopper either.

Now you're thinking it's actually just a part of some gizmo and would make total sense if you could see the whole thing.

No, this is all there is to it.

Here's a hint: it's called a Koffee Kooler.

I wish I was making this up but our friends at Kwik-Kut do love their letter K as much as they seems to like useless stuff.

Yes, the Koffee Kooler is used to cool coffee. Here's the website's full item description:

Koffee Kooler is a thick aluminium shaft with a wooden handle.

Uses: Cools hot beverages or liquids by absorbing heat into it's solid aluminum core.

Like a bunch of chumps, you've been relying on blowing on your coffee to cool it down.

Or perhaps you throw in an ice cube.

Maybe, like me, you add a splash of milk.

Or, for the truly innovative, maybe you just wait a minute or two for the inevitable to happen.

Well, thanks to Koffee Kooler, you can cool your coffee with class, er...klass. Order enough for your next dinner party. Imagine the delight your guests will feel at being served a steaming cup of coffee - sorry, koffee - with its own kooler sticking out of it.

Bring it along to restaurants. Those damn restaurants always serve their koffee so freaking hot! Someone ought to sue!

No word on how the Koffee Kooler interacts with tea. One imagines a daintier version is forthcoming for tea just as soon as they can figure out how to work the letter K into the name.

practically NSFW

2008-11-12T09:22:00.004-05:00

Peeling eggs. Not normally something anyone gives much thought to, is it?

Behold the eggstractor:

Frequently, simplicity is the key to a kitchen gadget - well, for a useful kitchen gadget - and this one looks pretty simple. Basically you stick your hard boiled egg into the bellows, push down, retrieve your peeled egg. The commercial that brought the eggstractor to my attention made it seem extremely easy to use and super effective. Now, that's what you'd expect from the ad, right? What sends it over the line is the setup.

in black and white:

Woman struggles with egg. Egg is difficult to peel. Egg is exasperating*. Wiping of brow. Egg shell left in hair. Conclusion? Peeling eggs is hard!

*I want credit for not saying "eggsasperating".

Since I can't locate the video to share with you here I will insert the screen capture. (If anyone can find this ad online,please share).

Sadly, you really do have to see the ad to appreciate how ludicrous it is. But, that doesn't mean I can't rip on the eggstractor for a minute anyway.

I can't say that I enjoy peeling eggs but it has never been something I would actively avoid. It's not like deveining shrimp or something. Sure, occasionally you get those eggs that stick to the shell you barely have any of the white clinging to the yolk (don't boil fresh eggs, this helps) but I have never, not one time, had egg shell in my hair. And I've made lots of deviled eggs in my time.

So even if the eggstractor worked like a dream (and why wouldn't it? The commercial makes it seem so easy!) it would be a really stupid thing to own unless you were literally peeling hundreds of eggs per day every day.

However...

Did you know there's a web site devoted to infomercial scams? Helpfully, it's call infomercialscams.com. They have some reader input about the eggstractor. Self-confessed deviled egg addict Diana writes:

...we immediately deemed it the EGGSPLODER... It didn't just destroy the eggs, it OBLITERATED them. It was on the window, the walls, everywhere. We kept doing it because it made the kids laugh hysterically, but seriously. why even sell a product to deshell eggs when 100% of the time all it does is burst it into a thousand tiny unusable pieces around your kitchen?

Seriously indeed. The other reviews were not much kinder.

Now, ordinarily the story would end here but in my quest to find the damned commercial with the egg shell in the hair, I came across a video that offers advice on how to make a DIY eggsractor. A really, really weird video.

You only need to commit two minutes of your time to watching the video but, as a warning, you may want to budget a little extra to shower afterwards.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

WANT

2008-11-11T09:05:00.001-05:00

Lest you think I mock all that is new in the world of cooking and baking, I will share with you something that is rather wonderful.

Eveyone knows the best part of a brownie is the chewy edge pieces. Not only does it have the structure to support the brownie while you hold it, it's just a delight to eat. Perfect.

Presenting the best brownie pan ever:

Look at how many edges there are! Every piece can now have chewy goodness! I'm way overusing the exclamation point! It's true genius.

banana hammock

2008-11-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

Inevitably, the phrase "banana hammock" brings up an image in my mind that I am loathe to illustrate in this blog.

Oh, what the hell. It's this:

It's not just me, I know this because there are, at current count, 13 definitions for the phrase on Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=banana+hammock&defid=1233514 and they all pretty much say it's men's swimwear.

So why would anyone want to do something like this?

Even though it's cute and I understand that bananas should be hung up and not sitting in a bowl or something (which was never really a problem for me but whatever), seeing this just puts me in mind of this:

Why would they do that to me? Why?

Of course, there is one acceptable use of the phrase:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txmd5trrv6c&feature=related

If it's got Paul Rudd it must be ok.

Bonus hate related to bananas:

Looks like they found one banana to illustrate the purpose of this case. Will others fit? Do they come in other sizes? Isn't the point of taking a banana with you is that it comes in its own wrapper? I really don't recall squished bananas being a problem with my bagged lunches as a kid and I would guess that losing the plastic shit you pack a kid's lunch in is actually a much bigger problem.

props for the low budget sequels of Edward Scissorhands

2008-11-08T09:40:00.000-05:00

I have a pair of scissors in the kitchen drawer where such things as the can opener and corkscrew are kept. They're probably only second to the knives in terms of usage. Granted, they're used for non-food related things like opening plastic packaging but they're used frequently in the summer to clip fresh herbs from the garden. (They get washed, no big whoop.)

By scissors I mean something like this:

You know, scissors. Once you graduate from safety scissors sometime during elementary school, these are pretty much what you use for the rest of your life when you need scissors. I know that there are all kinds of crazy specialty scissors for things like scrap booking (scallop edges etc.) and for sewing there is something called pinking shears which have a jagged cutting surface. I'm fine with those, I understand. Well, pinking shears I don't really get but I'll take it on faith that they serve an important purpose however I do caution against using them to cut hair. Seriously, don't.

I am not prepared to be so understanding about all specialty scissors though.

What the hell is up with these:

The "Chop-N-Toss". There's apparently a demographic out there that like to chop their salad in the bowl. Really, at some point they should just learn how to use a knife, right? Get a cutting board and get a clue.

What about this? Seriously. "Herb Scissors". You know what else works for herbs? SCISSORS scissors. Also, knives.

If you really want to be a d-bag then please get yourself some pizza scissors. I know that your typical rolling pizza cutter is pretty much a uni-tasker but it works. It works really well. I can see the benefits of the serving wedge that's attached but I cannot fathom how it makes up for that fact that cutting pizza with scissors is just ridiculous.

Now the Scissor Sisters, that's some good specialty scissor-action.

they really didn't have to trademark the name

2008-11-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

I would have never guessed, based on just looking at the photo, what the hell this thing actually was or was meant to do.

Here's the BB&B item description:

FreezCube™ Freezer Alert keeps your frozen foods under surveillance. FreezCube alerts you to the remaining conservation time of your frozen foods in the event that your freezer stops working due to a power failure or freezer breakdown. It also confirms that your freezer is working at the USDA's recommended temperature of 0° Fahrenheit. Four colored liquids melt independently, one after the other, depending on temperature increase. FreezCube is non-toxic, reusable and unbreakable. Perfect for a second freezer or freezer at a second home that may not be monitored on a regular basis.

Aha, it's a piece of crap to clutter up your freezer. Well, that's, uh...different. I though it was just a melted Rubik's Cube.

What really makes this stupid is that everyone knows what you do when the power goes out (after bumping around in the dark, trying to remember where the flashlight is, trying to locate the batteries for the flashlight because the ones in there died years ago then trying to find matches to light a candle and then briefly debating in your head about whether or not you really want to burn the decorative candles - they're so pretty - then remembering that you have old, crappy candles in that box under the stairs) wait...what was I talking about?

Oh yeah. The first freezer related thing you do when the power goes out is eat all the ice cream. Geez, everybody knows that. After that I'm supposed to continually monitor the melting colored liquids? Right - so that the spoiling of my food happens even faster because, like an idiot, I keep opening the damn freezer door?

it's a lime slicer (nm)

2008-11-06T09:06:00.000-05:00

horror movie prop or kitchen gadget

2008-11-05T10:23:00.000-05:00

This is called the Kwik-Kut. So, I already hate it because it they purposefully chose to use bad spelling (not to mention a totally unnecessary hyphen). For many that is reason enough to boycott. Here's another - it's rendered completely redundant if you own a knife.

Now, maybe there's some kind of specialty cutting this thing does. I mean, with the unusual shape and the handle it seems like something that simply must have a specific use to explain the design.

Well, from the Kwik-Kut Manufacturing (yes, it's the name of the company, too) website:

Tooth Edge-stainless steel blade with aluminum handle-2-7/8" diameter, 3" high.Uses:Chopping onions, egg salad, tuna fish, peppers, cabbage, collard greens, stawberries [sic] etc. Price: $3.95

Egg salad? Tuna fish? St(r)awberries? These things need a toothy contraption to cut? I couldn't just use my butter knife? My spatula? My grapefruit spoon?

The good news (I guess) is that it's only four bucks and takes up less space than a Rubik's Cube.

The really good news is that this company has a few other products I can't wait to write about.

I has a hot dog (cooker)

2008-11-04T09:40:00.006-05:00

Hot dog cookers - who knew? Most people have seen this little number by now:

Completely appropriate for this blog, it is designed solely to cook two hot dogs and two buns. Granted, if you eat hot dogs everyday, and nothing else ever, this really would be a lifesaver. You wouldn't live long enough to really appreciate it that much, but it would make your life better while your arteries harden.

I never would have guessed that there would be an even more useless single-use appliance than the hot dog cooker but I didn't count on there being other more useless hot dog cookers. Behold:

While this gizmo has a more child-friendly "design" (to use the word loosely) and does have a capacity somewhere north of two, it has no place for the buns. To my mind the one thing about hot dog cooker classic is that at least it toasts the buns. That's not nearly enough to tip the scales and persuade me to buy one but it's nice. The ability to do more than two dogs at once should be enticing but I wonder at what point it just makes more sense to fill a pot with water or fire up the grill.

The doggie hot dog cooker barks when the hot dogs are cooked. Cute feature or irritating feature?

Now, if you operate a convenience store or a concession at the ballpark, you're going to want one of these:

Kind of a no-brainer, right? Exactly the type of situation that calls for a single use appliance. But what if you felt that cooking hot dogs on hot rollers was so good you wanted to do it at home? Well, for only $60 you can own this:

That's right, for $60 you can cook up to eight (eight!) hot dogs at once. Or four foot longs. Of course it's such a versatile thing you can do so many other things with it. For instance...um, well you can also cook bratwurst on it.

What happens if you want something to cook your hot dogs but occasionally want to have some popcorn or a boiled egg? Glad you asked!

While this is no longer available from the manufacturer, I'm sure you could score one on eBay for a very reasonable price.

What about a hot dog cooker for the environmentally aware? We have nothing less than the solar powered hot dog cooker.

What if you're camping and need to cook several over the fire all at once? As long as you're OK with something not actually meant to cook food (meaning it's probably going to poison you) then please enjoy the redneck version of a hot dog cooker:

Of course, if ever you needed to buy something with only one use then at least consider something with a sense of humor:

Bonus points if the humor is also somewhat cringe inducing.

Now, it's easy to assume that all the hot dog cookery junk is a sign that our modern culture is running amok with vapid consumerism (and it does seem to be an easy case to make) but the sad reality is that this has been with us for over half a century!

From a 1950 edition of Popular Science:

American ingenuity. Sometimes we soar, sometimes we invent things to cook hot dogs.

Again I say: Hot dog cookers - who knew?

if only they worked for snorkeling

2008-11-03T11:12:00.007-05:00

Onion goggles. Not at all like beer goggles, these are meant to keep the sting of onion farts out of your eyes. Now, there are all sorts of old wives tales that are supposed to do the same thing (freeze the onion for 10 minutes, hold a piece of bread in your mouth, stand on one foot, say Hail Marys while chopping, sacrifice a goat three days prior, etc.) but none seem to work for everyone.

Enter onion goggles. Remarkable stylish for something so stupid, they presume that everyone has the same shaped face and will fit properly on anyone. Well, maybe they will but I have my doubts. Of course, if you wear glasses you are SOL because onion goggles do not work in conjunction with corrective vision wear. Now, you could still use onion goggles but the fingers you cut may be your own. (Oh god, I would hope they're your own.)

So what's a cook to do? Well, I just chop the damn onion without worry. Maybe it's because I keep them in the fridge, maybe it's because I've built up a tolerance or maybe I'm just a big martyr but it doesn't really bother me. OK, sometimes if I'm cutting a lot of them it might become an issue. Maybe sometimes might. Certainly not enough to worry about freaking onion goggles.

Here's an alternative:

That's right, you can buy pre-cut onions in the grocery store. Of course, this makes you a loser but you can do it.

If you're a total loser, you can even blog about it.
http://precutonions.blogspot.com/

you say tomato knife, I say WTF

2008-11-02T09:55:00.002-05:00

I've certainly seen these before:

With it's serrated edge and it's fancy double pronged tip, it sure is fierce. Probably pretty good at cutting tomatoes, too. Better be, since Wusthof markets it as a tomato knife (MSRP $90).

Now, a good knife is nothing to sneeze at. I was pretty pleased with myself when I finally became an adult and bought a three pack of good quality knives (Chef, Paring, Boning) and this knife would would, of course, be useful for cutting other things (unlike say... a nylon knife that cuts leafy green things). However, I keep my knives pretty sharp most of the time and they do just fine going through a tomato; there would be no need for an additional knife to buy and store.

All this would be pointless however if it wasn't for the existence of this:

I'm to believe the gently rounded cutting edge is going to be useful in slicing through vegetables? Well, I don't.

It does make more sense to me than this, though:

Are the little wires really sharp enough to slice the skin of a tomato? If so, doesn't that mean this thing would be somewhat dangerous since it looks incredibly awkward? Perhaps the picture is trying to imply that it cuts tomatoes without human intervention. Maybe you just lay it on top of the tomato and step away. Maybe.

All I know is that if you're going to commit to a uni-tasker (hi, Alton) then why not just get the best:

This industrial beauty comes in at just under 4' by 4' (with a customizable conveyor belt, typically 6.5' long), can do 80 tomatoes per minute (you choose the thickness - between 5-10 mm) and even removes the calyx (which must be the little stub at the top?).

Full details at millitec.com. I should also mention they make a very intriguing looking device called a "butterer".

I'd buy this if it could get rid of that weird pee smell

2008-11-01T09:03:00.002-04:00

Ah, asparagus. In addition to being a delicious, healthy vegetable that classes up just about any meal, it's also one of the first signs of the coming growing season. It's a sure sign that winter is being banished for yet another year.

I know there are all kinds of specialty cooking vessels and racks for asparagus and while I remain suspicious of them (a quick dip in some boiling water works pretty well for me - if you have a working microwave, I will share a really easy tip below) I am reserving judgement for now. However, I am not too sure about this little guy:

Sure, asparagus is a unique veggie (see previous note about cooking vessels) but does it really require a specialty peeler? I have had asparagus that's a bit woody towards the bottom, even after snapping off the bottom inches. I've always just used my regular peeler and it sure seemed to work well:

But what if Iwas missing something? What if I've been ruining my asparagus all this time? A quick bit of research yielded these results (from recipetips.com):

Asparagus Peeler
On thicker asparagus where the outer skin is tough, this special tool can be used to cut and peel the tough layer of outer skin away from the tender meat within the stalk. It contains a peeling blade that comes in contact with the asparagus as the upper arm of this utensil is pressed against the stalk. The asparagus is then manually pulled through and against the peeling blade. The upper arm easily adjusts with pressure to the diameter of the asparagus.

Yes, it does seem to be important for all asparagus lovers to own this tool. Right? Oh wait, this entry has another short paragraph:

This tool can also be used to peel other similar vegetable. A regular vegetable peeler can also be used to peel the tough skin away from the asparagus.

Emphasis mine (obvi).

Bonus tip for cooking asparagus: Soak a papertowel or two with water, wrap up the asparagus (envelop it) and put it on a plate. Microwave on ahigh for a minute or two. Easy steamed asparagus!

wait for it...

2008-10-31T09:36:00.002-04:00

Can you guess what this is?

It looks sort of like one of those platters designed to hold deviled eggs and while that's certainly fodder for this blog, this is in fact even more useless.

From the item description (going in reverse):

Dishwasher safe.

So far so good! Who doesn't like dishwasher safe?

Oven, microwave and under broiler rack safe.

Great! Super versatile and obviously durable.

Measures 9 1/2" L x 8" W.

Um, good. Maybe?

Lead-free glaze won't scratch, and the naturally non-stick surface is easy to clean.

Ooh, back on track with this one. Naturally non-stick you say? Love it.

Made of mineral-rich burgundy clay, plate provides even heat distribution.

Wow, sounds super luxurious. I don't know what burgundy clay is but I do love even heat distribution!

...can be used for cooking, serving, reheating and freezing. It can even go directly from the freezer to the oven.

Again with the versatility, this time we're even taking it to the freezer. Damn, that's one awesome dimpled plate!

For the lover of escargot this plate is extremely versatile.

Aaaand...you lost me. I have never tried escargot and because of a shellfish allergy I'll play "better safe than sorry" with the snails but even still - does anyone in this country like escargot? Ok, no doubt there are a few people but does anyone like it so much the need a special platter to freeze, cook and serve it? For real?

It's a little small for deviled hen eggs but I bet it would hold deviled quail eggs. Hmmm...maybe I do need one of these...

am I my tomato's keeper?

2008-10-30T10:05:00.000-04:00

I really love tomatoes. Really, really love them. Well, clarification: I really love tomatoes from the garden. While tomatoes from the grocery store aren't exactly evil, they just aren't really up to snuff.

When I decide it's time for a tomato (pretty much every day once they start becoming ripe in the garden) I will, at minimum, eat one whole tomato. There are many, many meals that consist of little more than tomatoes sometimes. (Once they start to ripen you gotta eat 'em.) I cannot recall one single instance of having to put a partial tomato in the fridge for later use. Apparently, I am in the minority on this because someone decided it was a good idea to invent this:

It's cute, I guess. It certainly will give you a pretty solid visual clue as to where in the fridge your leftover tomato might be found. But come on, really? Are there people out there who have so many partial tomatoes in their lives that something like this is necessary? What if I have half of an onion? (That actually happens a lot.) Can I put it in the tomato keeper?

No, apparently not:

Note that you should have the red onion keeper for your red onions and the yellow onion keeper for your, um, white onions. Or something.

Of course, if you're going all the way, you must have:

No mention of how big these are in the online store but seems doubtful that they'd hold those GINORMOUS lemons I've seen lately. Oddly enough, I do sometimes have lemon or lime halves to contend with (not always squeezing for margaritas you see) but I've somehow always managed quite well with a small piece of this:

but do they work with margarine?

2008-10-29T14:40:00.000-04:00

While shopping at my local kitchen store (for practical items only, I assure you) I came across something I had never before noticed - a little pot specifically for melting butter:

Now, maybe I'm missing something but can't one melt butter in a regular sized pot as well? This little cutie holds up to two cups of liquid so one might make the case that it's easier to clean since it's so small. Why get the massive one and a half quart pot (the "small" in most sets of cookware) all buttery when this one will require milliseconds less time to clean and microscopically less detergent? Why? Who wouldn't want to spend $15-20 to own more clutter. Don't we all have extra space in our cupboards just begging (begging!) to be filled? Uh, no, most of us do not.

Now, you might think the story ends here. I know I certainly did. However, when one googles the words "butter melter" (you know, looking for a photo to put in ones blog) one discovers that there is something called a microwave butter melter. Intriguing, to say the least. A click later, I'm staring at this thing:

I honestly could not tell what was happening in this photo. What the hell was that orange grate doing in there? Was it trying (and failing) to segregate the good butter from the bad butter? (Wait, no such thing as bad butter, what was I thinking?)

Turns out, the orange bit is for doing this:

Yes, that's right, it's a butter knife. Sorry, butter "knife". To think, all these years, I've been using something like this:

What a fool I've been. Why, if only I has been thinking ahead a few hours to pull the butter out to soften at room temperature (you know, every time), I could have been using the orange plastic thing with the awkward handle. Damn it!

Additionally, the microwaveable butter melter has thought of everyone by including a spout on both sides thus making it suitable for both left and right-handed people.

Wow, finally southpaws can melt butter too. Someone alert Ned Flanders.

on citrus and squeezing

2008-10-29T13:50:00.000-04:00

I've often said that if I could grow my own citrus I'd save a small fortune on grocery bills. Alas, Michigan's climate is not (yet) warm enough to grow trees bearing lemons, limes and oranges.

Anyway, on the process of extracting juice from the fruit, I own and love this little guy:

It's a simple design, the top part rests on the small bowl that collects the juices. If I was going to complain about anything, it would be that the bowl doesn't hold a lot of juice when I'm going to town on a bag of limes for some awesome margaritas. (If you don't know what I'm talking about you obviously make your margaritas with a bottled mix. You suck at margarita making.) But, having to stop and empty the bowl into the pitcher a few times is better than having my gadget drawer jumbled up with the likes of these things:

Lemon juicer.

Lime juicer.

Orange juicer.

Got that? A different one for each of the three main citrus fruits. (Sorry key lime, you don't make the cut.) I'm here to tell you that the sexy stainless steel citrus reamer above works GREAT for all three (and probably even key limes, though I haven't actually tried that yet) and there's only one to buy and store.

Now, you can go even more rock bottom basic with the classic reamer:

I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing this version (especially the lovely wooden one pictured) but I have to say mine gets the edge for being less messy.

Now, where's that tequila bottle? I'm getting thirsty...

the utensil that launched a blog

2008-10-28T13:33:00.006-04:00

This is a lettuce knife. Its purpose, as one would guess, is simply to cut lettuce. Genius, right? Um, not really.

You see, most (all?) of us already own something that does a fine job of cutting lettuce and it's called a knife. Now, this knife I speak of can also cut other things (say, a tomato or a hunk of cheese or my finger as I'm cutting limes for the gin and tonics) and is not saddled with a modifier though we could, for the sake of clarity, call it an All Purpose Cutting Knife. But let's not.

Now, I hear you out there, screaming in cyberspace, that the lettuce knife is useful! It really helps when you want to cut some of your iceberg lettuce and save the rest because the remaining piece won't brown in the refrigerator! It's great because you can put it in the dishwasher! It's cheap! What's not to love?!?!

(all arguments in favor of lettuce knife taken from online reviews - I'm not making this crap up!)

Besides the fact that your use of exclamation points is super tedious (yes, they're your exclamation points, I can absolutely hear them) your arguments don't convince. First, iceberg lettuce. Really? Iceberg lettuce? OK, fine. I admit, it can be used deliciously but still, if you want actual nutrients from your lettuce try something a little more substantive like a mesclun mix or some spinach for your salads. If you must continue with the iceberg (or romaine for that matter - what would a Caesar salad be without it?) and you simply CANNOT eat the whole head in one sitting (that would be approximately equivalent to drinking one of your recommended glasses of water per day, I believe) then how about just tearing off a few pieces and thus avoiding the whole ugly browning issue?

Dishwasher safe? Yeah, because it takes so long and is so hard to clean your knife after using it to cut lettuce.

Fine, it's a cheap gadget that some people find useful. Renee M. Duguay of Pawcatuck, CT gives the OXO brand lettuce knife five stars on Amazon.com (she also really loves Planters brand spicy trail mix and the TV show Monk) but I still think it's mindless consumerism at its worst. Sure, there are a billion stupid things that have absolutely no purpose (looking at you, Archie McPhee) except to help keep landfills full, but this thing is actually marketed as something that's a real must have for cooks. Must have? Must have lost your mind (zing!) to think about getting one of these.

And, just to be clear, I don't really have a problem with useless crap per se. If it makes people giggle to own squirrel underpants (http://www.mcphee.com/items/11884.html) then so be it. Just don't try to sell me stupid crap while trying to convince me that it's something I need.