wait for it...

Can you guess what this is?

It looks sort of like one of those platters designed to hold deviled eggs and while that's certainly fodder for this blog, this is in fact even more useless.

From the item description (going in reverse):

Dishwasher safe.

So far so good! Who doesn't like dishwasher safe?

Oven, microwave and under broiler rack safe.

Great! Super versatile and obviously durable.

Measures 9 1/2" L x 8" W.

Um, good. Maybe?

Lead-free glaze won't scratch, and the naturally non-stick surface is easy to clean.

Ooh, back on track with this one. Naturally non-stick you say? Love it.

Made of mineral-rich burgundy clay, plate provides even heat distribution.

Wow, sounds super luxurious. I don't know what burgundy clay is but I do love even heat distribution!

...can be used for cooking, serving, reheating and freezing. It can even go directly from the freezer to the oven.

Again with the versatility, this time we're even taking it to the freezer. Damn, that's one awesome dimpled plate!

For the lover of escargot this plate is extremely versatile.

Aaaand...you lost me. I have never tried escargot and because of a shellfish allergy I'll play "better safe than sorry" with the snails but even still - does anyone in this country like escargot? Ok, no doubt there are a few people but does anyone like it so much the need a special platter to freeze, cook and serve it? For real?

It's a little small for deviled hen eggs but I bet it would hold deviled quail eggs. Hmmm...maybe I do need one of these...

am I my tomato's keeper?

I really love tomatoes. Really, really love them. Well, clarification: I really love tomatoes from the garden. While tomatoes from the grocery store aren't exactly evil, they just aren't really up to snuff.

When I decide it's time for a tomato (pretty much every day once they start becoming ripe in the garden) I will, at minimum, eat one whole tomato. There are many, many meals that consist of little more than tomatoes sometimes. (Once they start to ripen you gotta eat 'em.) I cannot recall one single instance of having to put a partial tomato in the fridge for later use. Apparently, I am in the minority on this because someone decided it was a good idea to invent this:

It's cute, I guess. It certainly will give you a pretty solid visual clue as to where in the fridge your leftover tomato might be found. But come on, really? Are there people out there who have so many partial tomatoes in their lives that something like this is necessary? What if I have half of an onion? (That actually happens a lot.) Can I put it in the tomato keeper?

No, apparently not:

Note that you should have the red onion keeper for your red onions and the yellow onion keeper for your, um, white onions. Or something.

Of course, if you're going all the way, you must have:

No mention of how big these are in the online store but seems doubtful that they'd hold those GINORMOUS lemons I've seen lately. Oddly enough, I do sometimes have lemon or lime halves to contend with (not always squeezing for margaritas you see) but I've somehow always managed quite well with a small piece of this:

but do they work with margarine?

While shopping at my local kitchen store (for practical items only, I assure you) I came across something I had never before noticed - a little pot specifically for melting butter:

Now, maybe I'm missing something but can't one melt butter in a regular sized pot as well? This little cutie holds up to two cups of liquid so one might make the case that it's easier to clean since it's so small. Why get the massive one and a half quart pot (the "small" in most sets of cookware) all buttery when this one will require milliseconds less time to clean and microscopically less detergent? Why? Who wouldn't want to spend $15-20 to own more clutter. Don't we all have extra space in our cupboards just begging (begging!) to be filled? Uh, no, most of us do not.


Now, you might think the story ends here. I know I certainly did. However, when one googles the words "butter melter" (you know, looking for a photo to put in ones blog) one discovers that there is something called a microwave butter melter. Intriguing, to say the least. A click later, I'm staring at this thing:






I honestly could not tell what was happening in this photo. What the hell was that orange grate doing in there? Was it trying (and failing) to segregate the good butter from the bad butter? (Wait, no such thing as bad butter, what was I thinking?)

Turns out, the orange bit is for doing this:














Yes, that's right, it's a butter knife. Sorry, butter "knife". To think, all these years, I've been using something like this:
















What a fool I've been. Why, if only I has been thinking ahead a few hours to pull the butter out to soften at room temperature (you know, every time), I could have been using the orange plastic thing with the awkward handle. Damn it!


Additionally, the microwaveable butter melter has thought of everyone by including a spout on both sides thus making it suitable for both left and right-handed people.


Wow, finally southpaws can melt butter too. Someone alert Ned Flanders.

on citrus and squeezing

I've often said that if I could grow my own citrus I'd save a small fortune on grocery bills. Alas, Michigan's climate is not (yet) warm enough to grow trees bearing lemons, limes and oranges.


Anyway, on the process of extracting juice from the fruit, I own and love this little guy:

It's a simple design, the top part rests on the small bowl that collects the juices. If I was going to complain about anything, it would be that the bowl doesn't hold a lot of juice when I'm going to town on a bag of limes for some awesome margaritas. (If you don't know what I'm talking about you obviously make your margaritas with a bottled mix. You suck at margarita making.) But, having to stop and empty the bowl into the pitcher a few times is better than having my gadget drawer jumbled up with the likes of these things:

Lemon juicer.






Lime juicer.








Orange juicer.


Got that? A different one for each of the three main citrus fruits. (Sorry key lime, you don't make the cut.) I'm here to tell you that the sexy stainless steel citrus reamer above works GREAT for all three (and probably even key limes, though I haven't actually tried that yet) and there's only one to buy and store.

Now, you can go even more rock bottom basic with the classic reamer:












I wouldn't fault anyone for choosing this version (especially the lovely wooden one pictured) but I have to say mine gets the edge for being less messy.


Now, where's that tequila bottle? I'm getting thirsty...

the utensil that launched a blog

This is a lettuce knife. Its purpose, as one would guess, is simply to cut lettuce. Genius, right? Um, not really.

You see, most (all?) of us already own something that does a fine job of cutting lettuce and it's called a knife. Now, this knife I speak of can also cut other things (say, a tomato or a hunk of cheese or my finger as I'm cutting limes for the gin and tonics) and is not saddled with a modifier though we could, for the sake of clarity, call it an All Purpose Cutting Knife. But let's not.

Now, I hear you out there, screaming in cyberspace, that the lettuce knife is useful! It really helps when you want to cut some of your iceberg lettuce and save the rest because the remaining piece won't brown in the refrigerator! It's great because you can put it in the dishwasher! It's cheap! What's not to love?!?!

(all arguments in favor of lettuce knife taken from online reviews - I'm not making this crap up!)

Besides the fact that your use of exclamation points is super tedious (yes, they're your exclamation points, I can absolutely hear them) your arguments don't convince. First, iceberg lettuce. Really? Iceberg lettuce? OK, fine. I admit, it can be used deliciously but still, if you want actual nutrients from your lettuce try something a little more substantive like a mesclun mix or some spinach for your salads. If you must continue with the iceberg (or romaine for that matter - what would a Caesar salad be without it?) and you simply CANNOT eat the whole head in one sitting (that would be approximately equivalent to drinking one of your recommended glasses of water per day, I believe) then how about just tearing off a few pieces and thus avoiding the whole ugly browning issue?

Dishwasher safe? Yeah, because it takes so long and is so hard to clean your knife after using it to cut lettuce.

Fine, it's a cheap gadget that some people find useful. Renee M. Duguay of Pawcatuck, CT gives the OXO brand lettuce knife five stars on Amazon.com (she also really loves Planters brand spicy trail mix and the TV show Monk) but I still think it's mindless consumerism at its worst. Sure, there are a billion stupid things that have absolutely no purpose (looking at you, Archie McPhee) except to help keep landfills full, but this thing is actually marketed as something that's a real must have for cooks. Must have? Must have lost your mind (zing!) to think about getting one of these.

And, just to be clear, I don't really have a problem with useless crap per se. If it makes people giggle to own squirrel underpants (http://www.mcphee.com/items/11884.html) then so be it. Just don't try to sell me stupid crap while trying to convince me that it's something I need.