can be used in conjunction with toast tongs!

Nobody needs anything like this:
















But sometimes the joke is just too good. Maybe you'd love to freak out your hyper-religious mom when she comes over for brunch. Perhaps you think your boyfriend who had 12 years of Catholic school will get a kick out of it.


Maybe you just like to think about the holy mother while making toast.


Whatever the reason, you certainly don't need the Virgin Mary toast stamper, but it is a fun little piece of plastic.




Why not celebrate International Talk Like A Pirate Day (that would be September 19th) with some pirate toast?

















How about a morning routine of tic tac toast? Perfect for those who find the morning crossword puzzle to be a little too much.

















These cute little trifles are all under $5 (http://www.mcphee.com/) and while a few may have purchased one of each, most, I suspect would buy one. Likely a gag gift. Of those, probably 50% were never used, 40% were used once and 10% are used daily. That's just a guess.

I'm all for little gag gifts now and again.



What I don't understand is why anyone would fork out $60 (US!) for this:
















The "Holiday Pop Art Toaster" has little inserts you change out based on which design you'd like. Christmas tree? No problem. Santa's Hat? Coming right up!


Nothing like a toaster that can only do ONE slice at a time. Also, if you look closely you see that the "design" (again, using that term loosely) is practically black while the bread doesn't even appear toasted. It would seem that the image is branded onto the bread.

Mmmm...branded toast.


Seriously, with all the crap that you need to store for Christmas (yeah, I've got some stuff in boxes that I trot out every year) who needs a specialty toaster to box up as well? Why would you want to risk getting crumbs into your tinsel?

happy thanksgiving

plus


















plus


















plus
















plus















equals

















That's what I'm doing today!





Plus some of this (as always):
















gobble gobble!

2001: A Spice Odyssey

Hello, HAL- do you read me, HAL?

Affirmative, Dave, I read you.

Give me a teaspoon of paprika, HAL.

I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

What's the problem?

I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.

What are you talking about, HAL?

This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

I don't know what you're talking about, HAL.

I know you were planning to over season the kickasserole and I'm afraid that's something I cannot allow to happen.

Where the hell did you get that idea?

Dave, although you took thorough precautions against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.

(end scene)

Sorry, couldn't resist. This is the auto-measure spice rack. It's actually not such a bad idea - you turn the dial to the measure of spice you want and it dispenses just that amount. Since I already own a set of measuring spoons (ok, three sets of measuring spoons) I wouldn't spend the $30 but it's not such a stupid thing. Also, I'd need like 10 of them to hold the contents of my spice drawer.

But hey, if you want to get one, I won't mock you.

stick a fork in it

This is the fridge fork. The idea, if you haven't quite figured it out, is that you strap the fridge fork onto your jar of pickles/olives/beets/peppadews and then, when you want to fish one out, you have a fork handy to do just that.

And then you stick it back into the holster.

At first glance, this seems like a pretty good idea. Then I start to think about putting a dirty utensil back into the holster (which has how many weeks of dried pickle juice on it?) and I shudder just a bit. (Just a bit though, it's not that upsetting/unsanitary.)

I start to laugh at the thought of spending $6 on one of these and then, I realize, I actually do own something specifically for getting olives out of the jar:

Now, the one I own isn't quite so ornate but the idea is the same. The holes allow the brine to drain out.

Seemed like a good idea at the time since a fair number of olives do get consumed in our household (martinis don't garnish themselves). The reality is that we use the spoon about 10% of the time. The other instances I just can't be bothered to rifle through the drawers to find the thing and using a teaspoon (the kind you stir your coffee with) is much easier.

If I'm feeling really lazy I might just stick my fingers in the jar.

unavailable in Minnesota

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Kickasserole dish.

I can't decide where on the scale the word "kickasserole" falls: somewhere between Genius and Kwik-Kut. All I know for sure is that it's on one end or the other, nowhere near the middle.

And no, it's not only for people named Mary. Your $45 includes the custom name of your choice.

Shame about the colors, though.

I wave, you wave, we all wave for...

Microwaves!

Yes, that's lame.

However, it's all too appropriate for the iWave Cube 2.0.

Yes, that's right this compact microwave is called the iWave. No, it isn't a docking station for your iPod and it doesn't come loaded with iTunes.

What you get for your $150 is a "personal" microwave. Now it's true that microwaves can become pretty nasty, especially those in common public areas like cafeterias, but does anyone really need their own personal microwave? According to the manufacturer, yes you do.

Forget all those trips to the kitchen or treks to the cafeteria - now you can reheat coffee right at your desk, or nuke some soup for your brown bag lunch, or pop some 'corn in the entertainment room.

Takes up less than a cubic foot. Plug it in anyplace that's handy - work or home office, bedroom, home gym, family room, nursery, wet bar, dorm room, work bench, pool house...everywhere! Take it with you. It's portable, too! 800 watts of power.


These companies, other than Apple, need to stop with the "i" this and the "i" that. I understand that Apple products are very popular but do they really think they're fooling anyone into believing that this microwave is part of their line? And I love the "2.0" part - does that mean there was a previous version? If so, do I need to start worrying about my iWave becoming obsolete because 2.1 or 3.0 is coming out next month?

And if the whole thing is less than a cubic foot, how big is the interior? If I wanted to ruin my cup of coffee by microwaving it, could I even fit the cup inside?


Update! Update! In a bit of serendipity, one of my favorite blogs happened to post about common area microwaves today as well.

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/2008/11/20/sincerely-disappointed/

Included is a link to last night's episode of The Office which also has relevance to this situation.

WANT redux

The kitchen torch. This sexy little model is shown scorching up some tomatoes which is a use I hadn't previously considered. Most people associate the torch with creme brulee, I know I do. And really, if you're you're going to own a gadget that can only do one thing, it should make creme brulee.

I had a friend, Stephen, who told of trying to impress a date by making a home cooked meal. Stephen fancied himself a good cook and, having eaten at his house, I can confirm he has some skills; in particular, he made an awesome creme brulee. His fatal flaw on date night was not verifying that he had fuel for his torch. In a panic he searched his apartment for something, anything, that would burn the sugar.

Thinking it would take a little longer but ultimately achieve the same effect, he dug out his grill lighter.

As it turned out, they ate the creme brulee sans brulee. You may as well use a book of matches, you'd have about the same amount of success as the grill lighter. You simply must have a torch.

No word on how the date ended up but Stephen wasn't married last I checked.

With god as my witness, if I ever get a torch I will always have back up fuel!

stupid crap I've bought (pt.1)

I am not immune to the charms of the specialty kitchen gadget. I've been dazzled by the bright, the shiny and the promise of a better life. I think being duped from time to time has made me stronger.

It's certainly opened my eyes and made me realize there are a lot of companies that want to sell me stupid crap.



Behold the corn cutter and creamer:

















I blame my purchase of this thing on Alton Brown. No, he didn't (and wouldn't) recommend it but he did happen to produce an episode of Good Eats that featured an OUTSTANDING recipe for creamed corn that I was pretty excited about. The episode aired just prior to a stop at a kitchen supply shop and so when I saw the corn cutter and creamer all I could think about was that damned creamed corn.

If you watch the episode you'll see that AB (as well as most people) recommend using your knife to remove the corn kernels and milk from the ear. If you have a sharp knife and some basic skills, it's not that difficult.

But no, I thought, AB just hasn't seen this thing or he would have made sure to mention it. It looks so easy! How could it fail?

For starters, it could fail by being awkward. Now, resting an ear of corn upright in a bowl while you slide a knife down its side is also awkward, but it's the kind of awkward that doesn't cost $10.99.

It could also fail by being designed in such a way that the milk of the kernels spits out not only below the opening but also on either side.

So no, I do not recommend it. I was able to find one good use for it, however. It fits perfectly behind the utensil divider tray that holds the silverware and it prevents the tray from sliding back and forth. That was really annoying and now it doesn't do that anymore.

Thanks corn cutter and creamer!


I don't have any experience with this:
















But the corn zipper ( as it's called) looks like a loser as well.


If you want to make the best creamed corn, here's the AB recipe:

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/better-than-grannies-creamed-corn-recipe/index.html

emulsions in motion

This is called "Chef'n Emulstir".


Chef'n is the brand name. Chef'n makes some stuff I don't hate but they also make a really terrible pepper grinder that's made of plastic and broke within a year. Also, the company is called Chef'n; only Kwik-Kut is more ludicrous.



Anyway...the Emulstir is an emulsifier that proclaims to be good for making vinaigrettes. This may be true. The little curvy wand inside will apparently mix your oil and vinegar together.


You know what else can do this?













Granted, making an emulsion takes a little know how and some practice. Basically, if you whisk oil into the vinegar in a thin drizzle, you should be all set. Using a little mustard also helps to hold things together. It's worth practicing and knowing how to do - lots of wonderful things are made using emulsions. Mayonnaise, hollandaise..all sorts of aisey things.


Maybe you don't own a whisk (travesty) or maybe you don't like whisking in general (what's not to love?).


How about this?

















The simple shaker has served us well for decades. You can really use any old jar or bottle with a well fitting lid. Simply put ingredients in and shake. Most times the mixture won't hold together for long periods like a true emulsion but there'll be plenty of time to dress and eat your salad. You can always shake it again when you want to reuse later on.




And there's no little handles or curvy wands that will break off with normal use.

king tong

I could be wrong about this but I don't remember there ever being tongs in my mother's kitchen. Now, she never was much of a gadget freak (or cook, for that matter) but she seemed to have the basics on hand.

Working in restaurants, I quickly learned that chefs love them. Your standard professional kitchen will have hundreds of pairs on hand because they get used A LOT. I have a couple myself and they are very good to have around; they earn their place in the utensil crock quite easily.

Now, a trip to BB&B will quickly reveal that there are many variations on the above image. Longer tongs for the grill (great), tongs with silicon tips (handy) and tongs that lock shut (seemed like a good idea at the time but I regret buying them). All reasonable variants.

However, it turns out that there are many specialty tongs with very specific function and I'm not too excited about all of them.

I will admit that I own a pair of jar lifting tongs:

Having recently gotten into canning I did live without them for a while. Trying to get the little jars of jam and jelly out of the big steaming pot of water wasn't too hard without the curvy jar tongs but getting a big jar of pickles or beets out with regular tongs? The anxiety is palpable.

It's on me to make sure I stick with the canning to get full value from these tongs. Good thing I like pickles!

Here's a tong that I am dubious of - the toast tong:

I know, not everyone has calloused fingertips like me and sometimes pulling a hot bagel out of the toaster can be somewhat painful. I guess if you're toasting everyday then toast tongs might be for you. Tong tongs would also work.

Do you eat escargot everyday? If so, you should definitely own not only this:

http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/10/wait-for-it.html

but also these:

No, you didn't see these at the gynecologists office. They're for eating snails.

Not having participated in either before I cannot comment on which might be worse but they both seem pretty bad.

Then we come to the asparagus tongs. Asparagus is just the vegetable that keeps on giving - not only do you need the specialized peeler to prep the veg for cooking (not really: http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/11/id-buy-this-if-it-could-get-rid-of-that.html ) but apparently you need a special vessel in which to steam it (again, not really) and then you need a special utensil with which to eat the asparagus! (Not really.)

These are the "dainty feel" asparagus tongs. There are little brass knuckle-looking things that you slip your fingers into so that you might better grip the asparagus. Pretty stupid but if you're feeling pretentious, they're quite a deal at only $6/per.

If you laugh in the face of recessions, depressions and common sense, you can upgrade to these lovelies for $179/per.

Of course, these are nothing if you're old money. You wouldn't eat your asparagus for anything less than the $300 version.

http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2007/10/22/asparagus-tongs/

The above link is to Paul Krugman's (now the Nobel Prize winning Paul Krugman's) op-ed from Oct. 22. 2007 regarding the divorce of Richard Mellon Scaife. In it he links to a Washington Post article (how meta, a link to a link) with much more salacious detail.

For our purposes, the money quote is here:

"Defendant has and continues to unlawfully hold in his possession six pairs of asparagus tongs manufactured by Mappin & Webb, Birmingham, 1926 weighing 10 ounces total," reads one of dozens of paragraphs. "The last-known location for these items was at 'Vallamont,' 132 Pheasant Circle, Ligonier, Pa. 15658. The estimated cost for these items is $1,800."

The moral of the story? Always get a pre-nup when asparagus tongs are involved!

banana republic

I thought writing about the cutesy little banana hammock would be all there was to say about bananas:


http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/11/banana-hammock.html


I even added the part at the bottom about the stupid banana carrying case. What else could there possibly be to write about?


Sadly, there's plenty more as it happens. Recent travels through the interwebs have unearthed the following:















The banana slicer.


When I was a kid I would frequently slice up a banana to put in my cereal. Even as a wee lad it wasn't so hard to accomplish the task using your basic butter knife. The problem, of course, was that the slices were always so uneven. Some were 1/4", some were 7/16", sometimes they even ended up as 1/2"! All over the place. Shockingly, I was able to consume these banana slices with few trips to the emergency room.




Next we have the banana saver.


















Ever only wanted half of the banana? I can see it happening. Sometimes those suckers are HUGE. However, did we really need a clip on device for preserving the place where the banana was cut? Does plastic wrap not work just fine? What happens if you just leave it unwrapped in the fridge? Do you not have a dog to share the banana with? This is all just too reminiscent of the tomato keeper (see earlier post) and I just don't like it.




Then there's this bit of idiocy.



















One of the convenient things about the banana, as noted scientist Kirk Cameron pointed out in that fascinating video, is that it's really quite easy to peel. Going back to when I was knee-high to a grasshopper and slicing bananas into my cereal, I seem to recall that if you hold the banana in one hand you can use the other to snap the top back and peel back the skin. If the banana was under ripe then it could be tough but the banana is under ripe and shouldn't be eaten yet.




And now I share with you the most egregious banana related piece of crap. It's a little hard to tell from the photo but this as a terra cotta banana baker.



















I understand that bananas are a versatile little fruit. Eat them on their own, make a tasty quick bread, saute one with some brown sugar and rum. Once, in Scotland, I even had banana as a topping on a pizza. I do not recommend it but the British seem to revere bananas the way Hawaiians adore SPAM.


Anyway, I do not know what one might use a banana baker for. Helpfully, it comes with a recipe. It also comes with a crap load of instructions:

• Before using for the first time, wash thoroughly with hot water.
• Do not use soaps.
• Rinse well then completely immerse in water and soak both the top and bottom for about 15 minutes.
• Before each time you use it after the the first time, rinse the inside of the base and lid under cold tap water. Pour off the excess liquid.

Pass the aspirin, my head hurts.

Now for the "recipe":

• Place peeled banana in the baker.
• Place the baker in a cold oven and bake at 325 degrees for 15-20 minutes depending on the ripeness of the banana.

What? It takes longer to prep the damn thing than to actually make a baked banana. While we're on the subject, if I really wanted a baked banana (cause maybe I'm British or something) could I just use a baking dish I already own and cover with some foil? Does the terra cotta impart some flavor? It seems unlikely. Also, the stupid thing shows the banana being peeled from the bottom up. Seriously, did the designed never have a banana?

There are some other "recipes" provided. Mostly they're just recommendations of things to add like hazelnuts or chocolate sauce. Not especially innovative.

Until...

At the very end they share the recipe for "Savory Banana".

You are instructed to wrap a banana inside a slice of ham and place in the baker. Bake for a bit, add some cheese and bake for a bit more.

Really though if you're going to do something like this you should just go all the way.

Why not prepare a true delight? I give you Ham and Bananas Hollandaise.

Call it Bahamandaise for short.

It's really good served with grapes, apparently.



Credit for sharing Bahamandaise: CC Miranda of Gather.com (that's her thumb in the scan) via Michael Ninja #2 Kitteh. Truly selfless people.

having your perfectly sliced cake and eating it, too

Who wants cake?

Duh, everyone wants cake.

I don't know if it's my tendency to not really care about stupid stuff or what, but I've never really been bothered by cake that was cut somewhat unevenly. As long as I get one of the big pieces, it's not really an issue.

So, what's the point of the LED cake plate? You choose a setting (8 slices? 10 slices? 12 slices?) and the lights along the edge of the plate light up accordingly thus giving you a guide to perfectly portioned cake.

I'm sorry to report that it also plays "Happy Birthday".

All this for only $40.

Now, I can see how something like this might be helpful for a restaurant that offers cake on its dessert menu. Imagine how much agony pastry chefs have gone through over the years. They have prayed for this gadget.

Oh wait, no they haven't. They've had this:

Restaurant kitchens are full of things that are helpful for professional kitchens that most people simply don't need. You know, like 50 gallon stock pots and 16 burner stoves. It's not hard to understand why a restaurant would have a cake portion marker (the analog version) but that doesn't mean you need one at home.


If you think your guests are whispering behind your back about uneven cake portions - trust me, they're not.


Really, they're not.


Now slice me up some cake!

What is it?

Take a gander at this offering from our friends at Kwik-Kut Manufacturing (makers of the Kwik-Kut chopping tool http://lettuceknife.blogspot.com/2008/11/horror-movie-prop-or-kitchen-gadget.html ).


















What do you think it is? At first glance you might think it looks like this type of corkscrew that's encased in a protective base:

















But no, it's not that.



Perhaps your second guess would be a bottle stopper, also commonly used for wine bottles. (What's up with the wine references? I'm not really a big wine enthusiast.)

















No, not a stopper either.


Now you're thinking it's actually just a part of some gizmo and would make total sense if you could see the whole thing.












No, this is all there is to it.



Here's a hint: it's called a Koffee Kooler.



I wish I was making this up but our friends at Kwik-Kut do love their letter K as much as they seems to like useless stuff.



Yes, the Koffee Kooler is used to cool coffee. Here's the website's full item description:



Koffee Kooler is a thick aluminium shaft with a wooden handle.

Uses: Cools hot beverages or liquids by absorbing heat into it's solid aluminum core.



Like a bunch of chumps, you've been relying on blowing on your coffee to cool it down.















Or perhaps you throw in an ice cube.














Maybe, like me, you add a splash of milk.

















Or, for the truly innovative, maybe you just wait a minute or two for the inevitable to happen.




Well, thanks to Koffee Kooler, you can cool your coffee with class, er...klass. Order enough for your next dinner party. Imagine the delight your guests will feel at being served a steaming cup of coffee - sorry, koffee - with its own kooler sticking out of it.



Bring it along to restaurants. Those damn restaurants always serve their koffee so freaking hot! Someone ought to sue!



No word on how the Koffee Kooler interacts with tea. One imagines a daintier version is forthcoming for tea just as soon as they can figure out how to work the letter K into the name.

practically NSFW

Peeling eggs. Not normally something anyone gives much thought to, is it?

Behold the eggstractor:














Frequently, simplicity is the key to a kitchen gadget - well, for a useful kitchen gadget - and this one looks pretty simple. Basically you stick your hard boiled egg into the bellows, push down, retrieve your peeled egg. The commercial that brought the eggstractor to my attention made it seem extremely easy to use and super effective. Now, that's what you'd expect from the ad, right? What sends it over the line is the setup.


in black and white:


Woman struggles with egg. Egg is difficult to peel. Egg is exasperating*. Wiping of brow. Egg shell left in hair. Conclusion? Peeling eggs is hard!



*I want credit for not saying "eggsasperating".


Since I can't locate the video to share with you here I will insert the screen capture. (If anyone can find this ad online,please share).













Sadly, you really do have to see the ad to appreciate how ludicrous it is. But, that doesn't mean I can't rip on the eggstractor for a minute anyway.



I can't say that I enjoy peeling eggs but it has never been something I would actively avoid. It's not like deveining shrimp or something. Sure, occasionally you get those eggs that stick to the shell you barely have any of the white clinging to the yolk (don't boil fresh eggs, this helps) but I have never, not one time, had egg shell in my hair. And I've made lots of deviled eggs in my time.

So even if the eggstractor worked like a dream (and why wouldn't it? The commercial makes it seem so easy!) it would be a really stupid thing to own unless you were literally peeling hundreds of eggs per day every day.



However...



Did you know there's a web site devoted to infomercial scams? Helpfully, it's call infomercialscams.com. They have some reader input about the eggstractor. Self-confessed deviled egg addict Diana writes:


...we immediately deemed it the EGGSPLODER... It didn't just destroy the eggs, it OBLITERATED them. It was on the window, the walls, everywhere. We kept doing it because it made the kids laugh hysterically, but seriously. why even sell a product to deshell eggs when 100% of the time all it does is burst it into a thousand tiny unusable pieces around your kitchen?


Seriously indeed. The other reviews were not much kinder.


Now, ordinarily the story would end here but in my quest to find the damned commercial with the egg shell in the hair, I came across a video that offers advice on how to make a DIY eggsractor. A really, really weird video.


You only need to commit two minutes of your time to watching the video but, as a warning, you may want to budget a little extra to shower afterwards.










Don't say I didn't warn you.

WANT

Lest you think I mock all that is new in the world of cooking and baking, I will share with you something that is rather wonderful.

Eveyone knows the best part of a brownie is the chewy edge pieces. Not only does it have the structure to support the brownie while you hold it, it's just a delight to eat. Perfect.

Presenting the best brownie pan ever:

Look at how many edges there are! Every piece can now have chewy goodness! I'm way overusing the exclamation point! It's true genius.

banana hammock

Inevitably, the phrase "banana hammock" brings up an image in my mind that I am loathe to illustrate in this blog.

Oh, what the hell. It's this:

It's not just me, I know this because there are, at current count, 13 definitions for the phrase on Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=banana+hammock&defid=1233514 and they all pretty much say it's men's swimwear.

So why would anyone want to do something like this?

Even though it's cute and I understand that bananas should be hung up and not sitting in a bowl or something (which was never really a problem for me but whatever), seeing this just puts me in mind of this:

Why would they do that to me? Why?

Of course, there is one acceptable use of the phrase:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txmd5trrv6c&feature=related

If it's got Paul Rudd it must be ok.

Bonus hate related to bananas:

Looks like they found one banana to illustrate the purpose of this case. Will others fit? Do they come in other sizes? Isn't the point of taking a banana with you is that it comes in its own wrapper? I really don't recall squished bananas being a problem with my bagged lunches as a kid and I would guess that losing the plastic shit you pack a kid's lunch in is actually a much bigger problem.