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Hello readers,

I'm going to be taking a small break from blogging. It's been nearly 7 weeks and I am exhausted. Actually, I have a lot going on at the moment and since I started this for fun and I have been feeling the pressure of getting posts together I figure it's better to stop for a bit and not be all "it's so much work" about it.

I plan to get some posts lined up and start publishing again in the new year. In the meantime, I will be seeing most of you before then (yeah!) and having some good times during the holidays.

Merry Christmas to you all, and to all a good night! See you in a couple of weeks.

David

another little pizza my heart now baby

You know what simplicity in a kitchen tool is? A pizza cutter. It's a wheel, it cuts your pizza. It really doesn't need to have other uses (though you can use it for other things) and there's really no better way to cut a pizza.


Which is exactly why they had to build a better mousetrap.


The good folks at Van Vacter have created a dual wheel pizza cutter.















Invented by a surgeon, this precision tool cuts through pizza in just one pass. Large wheel’s Slicing Slots™ separate hot molten cheese, followed by a smaller finishing wheel that cuts through any remaining cheese or crust. Comfort-grip plastic handle. Dishwasher safe. 8¾" long.


I'm sorry, a surgeon you say? This is for pizza, right?


It's big selling point (apart from the "invented by a surgeon" factor) appears to be that it cuts through pizza in just one pass.


Um, so does my single wheeled pizza cutter. Apparently the big wheel on this one sucks so bad that it doesn't cut through everything so a second wheel was added. Couldn't they have just made the first wheel a little sharper?





Here's something else that pisses me off. Using scissors to cut pizza? I already covered the specialty pizza cutting scissors in a previous post but this picture is so stupid. If you were actually using scissors to cut pizza you (1) wouldn't hold them at that angle and (2) wouldn't have hands not covered in red sauce and being burned by molten cheese.

bovine buffoonery

Who doesn't like chocolate milk? It's milk with chocolate. Delish.

OK, maybe you don't like milk. Maybe you think mayonnaise is the devil's condiment. I can't help that you don't like milk, you just have to accept that some of us like it and it's better with chocolate.

(Hi, Tanya!)

You know, of course, that you can buy milk in chocolate form. You can also mix your regular milk with a chocolate syrup. Most people, sane people, would buy their chocolate syrup in a squeeze bottle. Some would buy it in a can as though it was the late 70's and just ignore the messiness of chocolate oozing down the side of the can. I think they're trying to relive their childhoods.

(Hi, Darla!)

Then you have those who like to push a button and have their chocolate milk mixed for them:

The moo mixer.

(Hi, Jillynn!)

I actually own one (or really about a dozen) of these but mine looks a little different:

Also, mine is old school (like from the 70's) where you have to stir yourself.

Mine's never had dead batteries and has (so far) never been broken. I love it.

WANT part 3

I once made some pretty cool wine charms at a YMCA camp. Really. I like them and have used them. The only complaint is that if you're not using a wine glass (or other stemware) then it's hard to employ them.

Enter the stemless chalkboard glasses:

I have chalk, I could use these!

like the Terminator but for girl drinks

I once worked with a bartender (Mo, you worked with him, too) who would always tell his customers that ordered a blended drink that they really didn't want that because the alcohol sinks to the bottom of the blender and thus, when the drink it poured, the booze stays behind. It was a complete lie but a bartender's got to do what a bartender's got to do when they don't want to keep washing the blender.

Personally, I don't like blended drinks in general. All I taste in a blended margarita is cold. No tart lime, no smooth tequila. And don't even bother to salt the rim if I have to drink it with a straw.

I do make an exception for Icees at the movie theater but only then and only there.

Enter the Margarator.

Apparently you add the ice, tequila and mix (cause if you're using one of these you'd use the pre-made mix for sure) and push a button for delish.

Apparently.

Getting past the whole issue of blended vs. on the rocks, all this really amounts to is a one gallon blender with a dispenser nozzle. Now, if you need an all purpose blender, you wouldn't get one of these instead. Likewise, if you have a blender, you don't need one of these.

Unless you're drinking so many blended drinks that it really sounds like a good idea. If that's the case, I would be concerned because you're almost certainly a...

(Apologies for the poor quality.)

mod cons

The pasta rake post got me thinking about things that are common now but were, not so long ago, practically unknown. Who would have thought that in 1957, there were people in Britain gullible enough to believe that spaghetti grew on trees? It's funny to think it was so exotic.

Consider the zip lock baggie. I do remember that when I was a kid, sandwiches went into a plastic baggie with a fold over top. You can still get these but most people get the locking kind, right? I don't remember when these new fangled baggies were introduced but I'm going to guess it was sometime around 1970 because that's when our Aggravation game was made (according to the date on the box).

For $5 we picked this up at a flea market in near perfect condition. It was a great purchase and we actually do play it all the time (though not as often as cribbage, of course).

The reason I bring it up though, is the part storage bag that's included with the game. It's a zip lock type baggie but introduced when the masses still needed to be educated about the magic of the zip lock. Note the instructions:

I wonder if, when zip lock bags were first introduced, someone looked at it and rolled their eyes. And wished they could write about what a stupid and unnecessary invention it was.

this makes my head hurt trying to understand

So many things wrong with this, the "peanut butter and jelly bagel knife":

First, WTF?

Here's the BB&B item description:

Bagel knife has river-shaped grooves to hold peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese or even regular butter unto the knife. With the extra long handle and tool, you don't need to worry about your hands or fingers getting messy. There's even a serrated edge to easily slice through the bread. Ergonomic handle has the Orthopedic Research Institute Seal of Approval. Dishwasher safe.

So the river shaped grooves hold the peanut butter (etc.)? Doesn't a regular butter knife also do that? And then can't you wipe the knife clean on the side of the bread once it is spread to your satisfaction? How do you get all the peanut butter out of the river grooves?

I don't get it - can anyone explain?

Also, the ergonomic handle (!) and the Orthopedic Research Institute seal of approval? Again I say - WTF?

Here's the ORI mission statement (it makes my head hurt even more):

Development

Application of engineering methods, techniques, and procedures to the solution of problems in clinical orthopaedics; resulting in new devices, systems, materials, and procedures. Further, the application of biocompatibility testing using cutting edge in vitro and in vivo model systems to enhance safety assessments

Research
Applied research in the laboratory and in clinical settings to enhance the understanding of orthopaedic-musculoskeletal diseases, their prevention, diagnosis, and treatment. Also, pre-clinical evaluation of pharmaceutical drgus and biological response modifiers for the treatment of arthritis and bone disease

Education
Support and training for orthopaedic surgeons, residents, nurses, as well as formal lectures at community organizations and universities to educate the public and professionals in orthopaedics and related musculoskeletal issues


Am I to assume that there had been previous orthopedic issues with the billions of PB&J sandwiches that have been made since the dawn of PB&J? Is this why I see people with those velcro wrist support bands?



Seriously, I DO NOT understand this product.

spaghetti trees and their debris

I can think of only one use for a pasta rake:

That would have to be for when the spaghetti trees aren't harvested in time and the spaghetti falls to the ground. Right?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/onthisday/hi/dates/stories/april/1/newsid_2819000/2819261.stm


What else could you possibly need a pasta rake for?

what's dumber than a lettuce knife?

For sure, it's this:

Lettuce shears? Is that for when your lettuce knife is out being sharpened? Do they make a left handed version? How about some pinking shears for lettuce? Zig zag lettuce would be awesome!

Seriously, does anyone think these are a good idea?

Turns out there is someone. Ivorypatio (if that is her real name) of California says this in her Amazon review:

I was intrigued by this new kitchen gadget when I first saw it in the beautiful Su La Table catalog. But when my husband monopolized the chopping board one day, I decided to order this because I knew I could slice the veggie with this WITHOUT the chopping board. It cuts leafy vegetable very well and for the stalky part of the lettuce you have to push it to the pivot point of the shears. Free from sharp knives and chopping board and WON'T RUST. We've used this for about a month and are quite pleased with this spiffy little tool.

So they have only one cutting board in the house and her idea to get around this issue is to buy lettuce shears? How about, oh, I don't know, buying another cutting board?

I'm also interested in the fact that it cuts the leafy part well but you have to push the stalk part of the leaf towards the pivot point. How weak is this piece of crap?

I also like that it WON"T RUST (emphasis certainly not mine). She fails to mention that it's dishwasher safe and doesn't cause hair loss.

At least I don't believe it will cause hair loss. Maybe if you push the hair towards the pivot point it will...

how many outlets does your kitchen have?

We have lots of outlets but I don't know that I can spare one for my knife block:

This is the Germ Eliminating Knife Block. It uses UV rays to eliminate up to 99.99% of bacteria and viruses (in only 20 seconds!). You can set it to come on every three hours if you wish. Those little staphylococcus don't stand a chance.

You know what else kills 99.99% of bacteria and viruses? Hot soapy water. The kind you wash your dishes with. The logical extension of the UV knife block would be the UV cupboard and the UV silverware drawer. Heck, why stop there? Why not sleep on a tanning bed and keep your whole body sanitized?

The good news, if you really want one, is that Hammacher Schlemmer has them on sale for $40. That's $50 off the list price. That's right, more than half off. These things don't even appeal to the kind of people who shop for the high end crap to beat all high end crap.

Of course, those people all have their lettuce knives and those go in the dishwasher so sterility issue resolved.

don't touch your "i"

Here we go again with the "i" product lines. This time what Apple isn't actually producing is the "iTouchless Towel-Matic Automatic Sensor Paper Towel Dispenser".

"Piece of junk" for short.

Have you ever struggled to loosen a paper towel from the roll? Have you ever wished your paper towel dispenser required 4 D batteries or an optional AC plug in adaptor? Is that $60 burning a hole in your pocket? If so, this marvel of technology is for you.

Now, I do actually have an automatic dish soap dispenser and it's really very handy. I like the convenience of getting a little blob of soap on the sponge without having pick up the bottle of detergent. You can call it lazy if you like but I love it. You might think this would translate into love for an automatic towel dispenser but it truly does not.

For many years the roll just sat on the counter. Then, as a housewarming gift, we got a simple upright counter top model. It's fine, it does its job well.

Did I mention that I use a lot of paper towels in the course of an average day? A lot. Give me a Thanksgiving dinner or New Years Day brunch and I need several rolls. Somewhat wasteful I guess but I like to have a clean counter top.

So why don't I like the towel-matic? Let's start with the name. I'm too exhausted just thinking about retyping the whole thing so if you've forgotten what the full name is just scroll back up.

Breaking it down, you have the following issues with the name:

1. The whole "i" thing. It's almost enough to start a new blog.
2. -Matic. All this suffix does is conjure up I Love Lucy and SNL's Bassomatic. In other words, it's not to be used seriously.
3. Did I mention how long it is?
4. This product is not actually a dispenser. It moves the roll forward, does that really count as dispensing? I can still sully the rest of the roll qute easily.

You know what else is wrong with this product? Let me share this Amazon.com review from K.Anderson "Consumer Advocate" who goes into detail about all that's "right" with it.

I have seen some negative reviews on this product but I will have to disagree with them. This product is an amazing achievement. Is it useful? Not in the slightest. Will the earth spin off its axis if you don't purchase one? Of course not. This product does, however, have many intangible benefits for mankind.

Safety - people that purchase this item will no longer have the money with which to buy something more harmful such as Dr. One Eye's Home Lasik Kit.

Environment - this product is electrically powered which everyone knows is excellent for the environment (as long as you get all of your electricity from a wind turbine). This is a great improvement over the previous model which was powered by a 12-cylinder diesel engine.

Economic - the construction of this item creates many jobs. Granted, all those jobs go to 8 year olds in China, but at least they are getting some rice this week. With each towel dispensed, you can feel good knowing that you are fighting world hunger and supporting the kind and gentle communist oppressors in The People's Republic of China.

Decorative - this dispenser is so beautiful in its gleaming silver and black finish that it lends a sense of magnificence to the humble paper towel. Paper towels have too long been the shame of the kitchen. It is finally their time to shine!

Harmony - only through the purchase of this device can the well-appointed kitchen be complete. This dispenser fits in perfectly with the Electrostatic Tinfoil Smoother and the Automated Robotic Cat Toothbrush. In conclusion, you may be able to live without this device but you shouldn't have to. Have no fear, in buying this device, you will get exactly what you deserve.

I do not know this K.Anderson but I sure do like the cut of his/her jib.

paging Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Feelgood to the rec room

Ever been to a party and set your glass down for a minute only to later realize that you can't distinguish between a sea of similar drinks? Did you set yours down on the coffee table or is that yours over on the bookshelf?

Sure, it's happened to all of us. That's why things like wine charms are handy. But what about for your canned beverages? What if you had something that could, oh, say, belch at you to let you know which beer is yours?

Meet the Beer Pager.

If you're willing to carry around a little fob to activate the beer pager (and spend 20 bucks) then you can locate your beer by clicking the button and listening for the belch. Yes, the belch. No simple beeps or whistles for you. If you're gonna drink beer you're gonna have some belching to go with it.

Now, if the 4 AA batteries happen to die, you could always just look for the drink encased in the holder with the really revolting graphic of a man so fat his belly is in a wheelbarrow. That, I guess, is the backup feature.

Some, I suppose, would find the beer pager amusing. I think it's existence is somewhat amusing but I think that they chose to photograph it for marketing purposes using what is quite obviously a can of Coka-Cola.