don't touch your "i"

Here we go again with the "i" product lines. This time what Apple isn't actually producing is the "iTouchless Towel-Matic Automatic Sensor Paper Towel Dispenser".

"Piece of junk" for short.

Have you ever struggled to loosen a paper towel from the roll? Have you ever wished your paper towel dispenser required 4 D batteries or an optional AC plug in adaptor? Is that $60 burning a hole in your pocket? If so, this marvel of technology is for you.

Now, I do actually have an automatic dish soap dispenser and it's really very handy. I like the convenience of getting a little blob of soap on the sponge without having pick up the bottle of detergent. You can call it lazy if you like but I love it. You might think this would translate into love for an automatic towel dispenser but it truly does not.

For many years the roll just sat on the counter. Then, as a housewarming gift, we got a simple upright counter top model. It's fine, it does its job well.

Did I mention that I use a lot of paper towels in the course of an average day? A lot. Give me a Thanksgiving dinner or New Years Day brunch and I need several rolls. Somewhat wasteful I guess but I like to have a clean counter top.

So why don't I like the towel-matic? Let's start with the name. I'm too exhausted just thinking about retyping the whole thing so if you've forgotten what the full name is just scroll back up.

Breaking it down, you have the following issues with the name:

1. The whole "i" thing. It's almost enough to start a new blog.
2. -Matic. All this suffix does is conjure up I Love Lucy and SNL's Bassomatic. In other words, it's not to be used seriously.
3. Did I mention how long it is?
4. This product is not actually a dispenser. It moves the roll forward, does that really count as dispensing? I can still sully the rest of the roll qute easily.

You know what else is wrong with this product? Let me share this Amazon.com review from K.Anderson "Consumer Advocate" who goes into detail about all that's "right" with it.

I have seen some negative reviews on this product but I will have to disagree with them. This product is an amazing achievement. Is it useful? Not in the slightest. Will the earth spin off its axis if you don't purchase one? Of course not. This product does, however, have many intangible benefits for mankind.

Safety - people that purchase this item will no longer have the money with which to buy something more harmful such as Dr. One Eye's Home Lasik Kit.

Environment - this product is electrically powered which everyone knows is excellent for the environment (as long as you get all of your electricity from a wind turbine). This is a great improvement over the previous model which was powered by a 12-cylinder diesel engine.

Economic - the construction of this item creates many jobs. Granted, all those jobs go to 8 year olds in China, but at least they are getting some rice this week. With each towel dispensed, you can feel good knowing that you are fighting world hunger and supporting the kind and gentle communist oppressors in The People's Republic of China.

Decorative - this dispenser is so beautiful in its gleaming silver and black finish that it lends a sense of magnificence to the humble paper towel. Paper towels have too long been the shame of the kitchen. It is finally their time to shine!

Harmony - only through the purchase of this device can the well-appointed kitchen be complete. This dispenser fits in perfectly with the Electrostatic Tinfoil Smoother and the Automated Robotic Cat Toothbrush. In conclusion, you may be able to live without this device but you shouldn't have to. Have no fear, in buying this device, you will get exactly what you deserve.

I do not know this K.Anderson but I sure do like the cut of his/her jib.